Reasons Why People Stay In Wrong Relationships

By Fred Eche-Ofun Egba

Sometimes ago a girl told a story about how she was raped at 14 years of age. Since then her world was shattered. She kept away from men and any form of relationship with them, because he sees them as beast that should not be related with. Though she was bombarded everyday by overtures from men she vowed she would have nothing to do with them. The wall of her resolution crashed when she got into the university. In her third year she met and fell in love with Dickson (not his real name), who initially made her forget the pain of her past hurt, but not long afterward Dickson turned out to be something else altogether.

He would beat her up at any slightest provocation and force himself on her on each occasion that this happens. This way she had become pregnant on several occasions but he would not take responsibility for it, so she had to abort each time. What I find intriguing is the fact that Juliet (not her real name) knew she had no future with Dickson and he has also made it clear to her but she still stuck to him like gum.

I wondered why it is so. What make people stick to wrong relationship even when you know that the future of that relationship is bleak? Even when you know that the man does not care a dime about your feelings? Even when you know that you stand a chance of being heart broken in the end.

There are certain reasons I have discovered about why people would not let go of wrong relationships.

Reason #1: Fear of the Unknown. The philosophy that says that the devil you know is better than the angel you cannot see has kept lots of people in bondage. This mentality, to my own believe, is for those with mediocre mindset. It is the assertion of those who are myopic in their thinking and doomed to fail. There are better opportunities out there waiting to be explored. There are guys out there who would do anything to have you and treat you like a queen. The reason why you have not met with them is because you are in a wrong relationship environment. Life is all about chances. Take a chance; step out before it is regretfully late. Sometimes you need to take a step from the world of the known into the unknown in order to make progress.

Reason #2: The assumption that he will change. The truth is that they never change. Only few do, probably by a divine intervention. A leopard, they say cannot change its spot. One thing you should know is that you cannot change someone who is not willing to change. Change in their lives is not your decision. It is theirs to make.

Reason #3: Passing Time until the Mr. Right Shows Up. How can Mr. Right shows up when you are not free? You have got to be available in order to be found.

Reason #4: The Sense of Loss. Some people think they have invested so much into a relationship to just let go. So they stay in a disastrous relationship so they could protect their investment. If your investment has not yielded desired fruit why don’t you start all over?  This is actually the problem. The thought of starting all over is just too unbearable to consider. It is better you lose the so called investment that you have made now than to lose your life. Why seek the living among the dead?

Reason #5: Monetary Compensation. For some people, as long as their monetary demands are being met, the relationship is good even when they are battered emotionally. Yes, you may have all the glamour that money provides, but are you finding fulfillment in that relationship? You are human and not a toy that is for sale. A time comes when money will no longer make meaning to you in that relationship because love can only be satisfied with love. When you give of your emotion, the only thing that will fill it up again is when you receive emotionally satisfaction.

Reason #6: Avoiding Guilt Consciousness. Sometimes people want to escape the guilt that comes with breaking up from a wrong relationship. We sometimes don’t want to hurt the other person. My question is, why are you concerned about the feeling of someone who has been abusing you and do not care for you whether you are hurt or not?  Have you considered that such person would leave you without batting an eyelid?  

Reason #7: Family Pressure. Because of poverty a family may pressurize their daughter into a relationship with a man who has been a source of succor to them, thereby alleviating the poverty in the family. Now they don’t care about the feeling of their daughter and what she is going through in the hand of that man, even when they are not married yet. They are the first to tell her to endure and that the man is kind man and that he will change with time. In extreme circumstances she may come under threat of being disowned if she refuses to remain in that wrong relationship. And so she becomes their sacrificial lamb.

Reason #8: The Power of Love. There is no underrating the power of love. It is said that love is as strong as death.  The beauty of love is when it is mutual not when it is one sided. Love should be given as well as received. When there is a consistent outflow without an inflow you will soon get spent. People say that love is blind. I believe it is blind when you use your heart only without your head. The heart loves best, but it takes the head to make a best choice.

These lists are not in any way exhaustive. There are many other reasons why people get stuck in a wrong relationship. Please, leave a comment and let me know of the other factors you may know.

fredegba@gmail.com

Why You Need A Mentoring Relationship

Life is all about relating. How you relate will greatly determine how far you go in life and how successful you become ultimately. History is full of men who went up the ladder of success through relationship with others. If I were to mention names they will be too numerous to be named. So let me spare us all that.

But the fact is we all need someone to be able to make it through in life. No one can go it all alone. This world is not a place where we go solo. It would definitely be frustrating. However, relating to have an establish future would demand you make the right kind of choice. Bad relationship will end you up where you never expect to be. Maybe I should take a trip into that popular story of the prodigal son in the bible.

He desired to be successful, but the young man got into trouble at the end. He could not manage his success. Do you know why? He had poor mentoring relationship. He surrounded himself with the wrong kinds of mentors (prodigal sons probably), like himself. In life you do not need people like you, those who are probably at the same level with you. You will never go beyond that level of life. It takes relating with those who are above you to be able to make it to the sky. Someone had once said if he is been able to get far, it is because he climbs on the shoulder of someone taller than himself.

Note this: If you surround yourself with failures as mentors, of course you will end up a failure. It takes successful mentors to make successful protege. When you relate with an excelling mentor you will ultimately end up an 'exceller.'

Your relevance in any sphere of life is tied to how relevant your mentor-protégé relationship is. Prody left his father, who could have been his mentor in business. With all the wealth he acquired he still ended up with pigs. What a tragedy. He learnt his lessons the hard way. Until you have a mentor there are certain lessons you will have to learn the hard way.

Someone has walked the path you are walking now sometimes ago and had gone through the experience you are going through today. Do not wait to learn the entire lesson yourself, you may never live long to do that. Locate that man or woman and let him show you the ropes that will lead you to your glorious destiny.

Do not despise the place of relating with a mentor. They are there to make relevant input into you that will bring you into a significant position in life. Many are failing today for lack of working relationship with a mentor. Do not join the group of losers. To enter the hall of greatness you need to be introduced by a great mentor. Go for a mentoring relationship.

Hyper Smash

Making Yourself Relevant in a Relationship.

Relationship is something we all cannot do without, because considering our makeup we are meant to relate with at least someone. That was found in Adam's expression when Eve was brought to him. Before Eve was created he was lonely, frustrated and unfulfilled. When he discovered all the animals had companions, he began a longing for one too. So you can see how important relationship is. I want you to understand that it is one thing to desire a relationship; it is another ball game altogether to build and survive in that relationship. And one of the factors that would help you create a relationship void of abuse is the issue of self esteem.

When you have low self esteem it will be impossible for you to grow in any relationship. You cannot air your opinion no matter how relevant it is, therefore making yourself worthless and a liability and of course no one wants a liability in any relationship. They prefer to have an asset, including you also. Low self esteem happens when you do not believe in yourself or your ability. This will keep you frustrated. People appreciate one who possess self confidence and know their worth. If you don't have a worth in any relationship you will always be relegated to the background and ever be at the receiving end. And you will wonder why your partner does not attach any relevance to you. It is the signal you are sending that is determining his or her attitude.

BE RELEVANT
I want to believe the reason Adam listened to his wife was because of her relevance in his life. He knew her worth. So be a major player in your relationship and begin to make things happen. That is how you show your worth. Until you make yourself indispensable your days in that affair are numbered. Nobody wants to always be tugging along with weight. Relationship is all about mutual interaction. It takes iron to sharpen iron.

The reason why so many people are used and dumped is because their worth expired. Nobody rejects and dumps a valuable asset except that thing has become an albatross. Be an asset and not a liability. To look down on yourself is to place a limitation on your life and the ability you contain. You have what it takes for someone to want to stay glued to you; to make someone beg when you talk of quitting the relationship. But watch out when you say you are leaving and your partner does not care. It is only evidence that he/she was already tired of you. He would be happier more that you are leaving. You should be able to make someone yearn for you when you want to call off the relationship. When that person is going crazy to want you back, then know that you indeed created an impact.

Relationship is for profiting. So make yourself profitable by discerning your self-worth. Don't allow anyone to make you feel small or you will be the one to suffer at the long run. Be an asset in that relationship and earn your partner's respect.

How To Avoid Abuse In Your Relationship

A wise man once said, "If you don't know the value of a thing abuse is inevitable." And I say if you don't know your value in any relationship you find yourself you will be cheaply used, abused and dumped.

People had entered into a relationship not knowing what to expect neither do they know what to make out of it. And so they go into it blindly and shortly they began to have problems and begin to wonder why. Great relationship do not just happen, it is worked. Some people go into a relationship with the mentality of let’s see what this affair holds for me. No! It's supposed to be let's see what I can make out of this affair. Remember the adage that says, as you make your bed, so you will lie on it. The 'beautifulness' of your relationship is your non-transferable responsibility. When you go into a relationship without the concept that you are there to work it out, then you will suffer an abuse in that relationship and you will wonder why others were having it smooth and you are having it rough. Soon you may find yourself changing relationships thinking you were in the wrong one. But is that the solution?

You ought to sit down and make your calculations. You must find out what will work for you in the relationship you are building and major on it. You don't put a major emphasis on what is not relevant and play a minor note when you are supposed to play a major. Sometimes we are so carried away by our heart that we think we know longer need our head. While we bask in the euphoria of our emotions, you should know it takes more than that to have a beautiful relationship than that. For instance, you need to understand your partner through: what makes him/her happy. What would you do to get him/her stick to you for life? This comes by observation, by means of using your minds to think. Though you may think it is not feasible but it can be done.

It's not everything your partner gets to tell you about himself/herself. We study to find out what he/she never told us. And do you know that when you find out something that is of utmost importance to your partner on your own, it would increase your value in his/her sight? It would also suggest that you care enough, which is why you went the extra mile for him/her. Every extra mile you go would attract extra bliss.

This is one of the things that prevent abuse in relationship: You must work at making yourself worthy. Whenever your worth is not known in your relationship watch it, it would certainly get rough. But when your worthiness is determined come hell or high water you will still be there.

Do Another Review On Your Relationship

The approach of a new year usually comes with lots of frenzied excitement and an optimistic expectation. Your hopes are high that the new year would be more favourable. In all your plans for the new year I believe you have developed a vision for your relationship? There is a need to review your friendship. Ask yourself some vital questions. * Did your relationship lived to expectinon?
* What positive effect had the relationship in your life?
* Did you really find fulfilment in that friendship?

You need to know that any relationship that did not add value to you and has not helped you maximise your life positively is not worth it. Anyone that is not adding to your life is definitely taking something away from you. When you follow people who are not going the same way with you, you will end up at a destination called 'Nowhere.'

You should also consider to service the relationship that makes the most impact in your life. Its like this: he that walks with the wise shall be wise, and a companion of fools shall be destroyed.

As you review your relationship seriously this new year, I wish you a most blissful and blossoming relationship with your friends, spouse, children, colleagues etc.

Mistakes In Relationship: How To Handle It

No matter how much you call someone your angel the fact still remains that he or she is human and subject to making mistakes sometimes. No one is perfect. Only God is. The way some people react when their partner makes a mistake, leaves me baffled sometimes. It portends that they themselves are hundred percent above mistakes. But is that true?

Well, the greatest blunder you can ever make in life is to think or believe you are above mistakes. Even the most intelligible and perfection conscious person do slip up sometimes. The man who created the pencil leaves an eraser at the bottom of it for the purpose of erasing mistakes. That is why you must be ready to tolerate mistakes from your partner, friends, parents, children, employer, employees, etc.

DON’T THINK OF IT

If you are the type that cannot condone people’s shortcoming, I will advice you not to venture into any relationship at all, but then you cannot do without one. You have to condition yourself to forgive. It is mistakes that expose our very human nature to us. If you keep considering the wrongs that are done to you, you will never be able to get a good juice out of your relationship.

Mistakes have brought two total strangers together, who later went to become two great friends. So forgiveness is a very crucial strengthener of any relationship. View offences from the eyes of the divine. To look at things from the position of divinity is greater than reacting from the platform of humanity. Remember, to err is human, to forgive is divine. If you say you won’t forgive today, definitely it will be your turn to go wrong tomorrow. What do you expect if the table turns round on you? There is no point making a big fuss over any trivial issue. It is not everything you get sour about. Some things should be overlooked. If you keep running with every little mistake you are killing that relationship. It can never be healthy. You will leave your partner with no choice than to quit as nobody wants to be always reminded of their failures. To be a judge you have to first judge yourself whether you qualify.

We cannot rule out the fact that some blunders could be very fatal. However fatal it may be, it can never be beyond forgiveness.

Right And Wrong Influence In Relationship.

We are living in a world where everything comes under one form of influence or the other. It is said that “everything is at the state of rest until an external force is applied.” This talks about influence. The direction to which the life of anyone would go will largely depend on the kind of influence that is found in his life. Influence is very crucial in the life of a man, but then it depends on the kind of influence you allow into your life. It is either you allow a productive influence into your life or choose to partner with a destructive influence. You will have to make your choice. It is your circle of influence that will determine how far you will go in life. They will either place limitation on you or help you become great.

A poor man who relates with people of like minds will never relocate from poverty lane to Wealth Avenue, because his circle of friends do not have what it takes to move him there. Remember, he who walks with the wise shall be wise, but he who keeps company with fools shall be destroyed. That is the way the bible puts it. This is talking about the kind of influence you allow into your life. Right influence will propel you to the right direction. Wrong influence will push you into the wrong path.

So, who you choose to relate with holds the key to your productiveness or destructiveness. There are so many young men and women who are trying to come out of certain destructive vices today; drug addiction, stealing, gangsterism, prostitution and so many others, but regrettably they cannot. It all started when a friend initiated them into it. If the truth must be told, it is not everything that you initiate yourself into doing. People don’t just wake up and decide to start smoking. Somebody introduced them into it. It may be directly or indirectly. Relationship is a very powerful tool that will give your life worth. It can shape your world to taste. And it could make you useless and batter your destiny. Good relationship brings personal development. When you relate with one who makes the right input into your life your worth will ultimately multiply. Pursue such relationship that upgrades your self esteem. It is of great importance that you partner wisely to enhance your productivity in life. No one becomes great in the midst of mediocrity.

There is a popular view that “birds of the same feather flock together”, you can choose not to. You reserve the right to say ‘no’ to your league of friends that are running you underground. You can choose to follow the birds that are high flyers, learn their ways and be like them. When you get to relate with the right kind of people in life your will indeed have a productive relationship.

Heartbreak in Relationship:Moving Ahead

I have heard that much water cannot quench the fire of love, but the spate at which heart break takes place among the singles as well as the married, everyday is alarming. And that leaves us in a quandary as to how true that statement is.

Love could actually be wonderful when all is well, but when it turned sour it becomes a very dangerous tool of hurt. And so many people who have been involved on the other side of love are now finding it difficult to cope with other relationships because of past hurt, thereby mortgaging their future. If you are among those who now taste the bitter pill of heart break, just hang on with me I have news for you.

Break up in any relationship is not usually easy to bear. It’s something that could shatter your world into pieces. But then that is subject to you, if you want your life to remain shattered. This is because what you allow is what will affect you. What you do not allow cannot affect you. If you keep admitting the pain of a broken relationship into your life continually, you will ultimately be destroyed by it.

Whenever love turned sour, it leaves you with a kind of bitterness in your heart. It is like your world has come to an end and life seems to hold no more meaning for you. Consequently you recoil into your shell of sorrow, mourning your lost love. And you may sometimes lose your mind trying to do so.

Friend, I have something to tell you: your life is too precious to be sacrificed on the altar of the love that could not work yesterday. It’s gone! Face the stark reality. You cannot do anything about your past but then there is something you can do today to make sure your future is still secured. Do not let the aborted relationship of yesterday hold your tomorrow hostage.

Look at things this way; if your ex-lover has any relevant part to play in your future he could have stayed. God might just be delivering you from the hazard the relationship may cause you in the future. Its better you face up to the heartbreak now and get over it and start all over. Why should the relationship that did not work yesterday hold you to ransom today and closed the doors of so many opportunities that would come your way in the future.

That your relationship failed does not mean it’s the end of life for you. And does not in any way mean you can't build another that would last a lifetime. Do not build a wall of defense around you because of your past experience. It is not worth it. Some people closed up after been jilted. That is not the best thing to do. It would stop you from a very flourishing experience in the future.

Do not change your philosophy to accommodate your tragedy, that all men are wicked or that all women are daughters of evil. You were only unfortunate to meet the wrong person who happens to break your heart. There are so many great men and women out there that you have not met yet. So why close your life to them because of one wrong relationship. One bad egg must not be used as judgment against others.

You still have a great life ahead of you because what lies ahead is greater than what lies behind. There is glory you have never known than the story you behind you. The world is too loaded with wonderful people, so break out of your cocoon of bitterness, and give life another chance. Who knows you will thank God that things happened the way they did. Your heart may be broken but do not destroy it by dwelling on your broken relationship. There is hope still.

Taking Risk On Love

Life they say is a risk. But my question is. Should one venture into something blindly because it’s risky not to take risk? I think there are certain risks in life that should be avoided, when a calculated analysis of the situation on ground is taken. People sometimes jumped into relationships without counting the cost especially when it has to do with love.

People have entered into a wrong relationship before they made the greatest discovery of their lives. Amazingly they will not quit the relationship even after the discovery that the relationship would not work. They continue in the relationship with the hope that a change might take place in the future and alas the change they anticipated never comes. So they end up enduring instead of enjoying the relationship. It then ultimately ends up in disaster of heartbreak. There is an adage that says no matter how long you spend on the wrong road you can never end up in the right destination. It is therefore wisdom to do a U-turn before it is too late.

Do not think someday the relationship would work when all the signs that it won’t happen, are all staring at you in the face. Relationship should be entered into with careful observation and unbiased analysis, especially if it has to do with the heart. The heart is too delicate for you to give away carelessly. You are the only one who has the power to manage your heart properly. No one seems to know the value of their heart until it is splintered. The truth is, once it is shattered it can never be the same. It could be healed though, but then it leaves you with a scar forever. So, if you do not want to live with a broken heart, avoid the risk. Only do when you have made up your mind to take responsibility for your action and the consequences that may follow.

EMOTION

Every relationship that is built on just emotions only, is treading on dangerous ground. The focus on feelings, goose bumps, sweet words and gifts has made many miscalculated. Love is more than feeling. It is an informed decision on your part to stand by another person. When you allowed your emotion to control you then you are in serious trouble. Some people would say they were swept off their feet the moment they met their love. Little wonder they never got to be planted in that relationship.

A successful relationship is the one that is organized and worked out through strong decision and mutual understanding. So do not say life is a risk and jump into every available risk you see. Do not take that risk on love by diving into it emotion first. Look before you leap. At least it will help you not to fall into that ditch call heart break.

The Unspoken Words in Relationship

Words play a very vital part in our life as humans. The creation of the world was by words. Nothing will ever work without words. Just imagine the world for a moment without sound, without words. If everyone were to be deaf and dumb life would be excruciatingly frustrating. That is why words are not cheap. To be able to talk is one of the greatest gifts given to you by God.

The ability to communicate is too essential in any relationship you are building or intending to build. When words are well spoken it brings refreshing to the soul, if not it creates disaster. Relationships are built through the power of words and are also scattered through words also. Wars begin because of words. Peace is also brokered through words. You need to understand that words links people and it separates as well. You must also take into consideration the fact that your word today has the capacity to create the world you will live in tomorrow. One wrong word has sent people to jail or even out of life.

WORDS ARE IRRETRIEVABLE

Words are absolutely irretrievable, no matter how much you apologized for saying the wrong things. The fact still remains that you cannot withdraw your statement from the minds of people, as the mind is a very powerful storage device. They will always be remembered. The words that will not be remembered are the ones unsaid. So wisdom demands that you manage your words in any relationship whether with friends, employer, teachers, parents, children, spouse etc.

Sometimes people say things before they reason it out only to discover that the harm has already been done. Words will always determine your mood. It can create an atmosphere of peace or that of trouble, acceptance or rejection. Words are great tools you can use to shape a great relationship. Right words are the platform upon which great and exciting relationships is established. Voicing your displeasure in an angry emotional state could lead to something you never bargained for. You can devise a means to say an unpleasant thing in a way that the effect may not be felt, yet be well noted.

Don’t be too generous with wrong and harsh words in the name of saying it as it is without been considerate. Good words create good relationship. Great words make great friends. Excellent communication builds an excellent affair. Which do you prefer. The choice is yours.

Nakedness in Relationship:A Priority

Truth they say is bitter sometimes, but then we must not forget the fact that this same bitter truth has the propensity to liberate. In any relationship that must survive the test of time it is required that partners should go naked. You see, to my own opinion, secrets are important in relationships, especially when you feel that it has a destructive tendency when revealed. So for the sake of the health of that relationship one may decide to keep a particular destructive secret stash away in their hearts and hope that the other partner does not get to find out. And if the person does, depending on the level of his or her understanding hell may be let loosed. And the rest can be best left to the imagination. So to avoid certain degree of conflict go naked, that is be open to your partner.

We all have a past and some skeleton in our cupboard we don’t want anyone to know about, including your partner. And skeleton in the cupboard are not too healthy. They have a way of sending up stinking smells at the time you least expect it. That is how certain secret in our past tends to sometimes rear their ugly heads when we least expect them. Some relationships that were once envied had packed up just like that, because of lack of truthfulness. Insincerity is something that is not helpful at all in relationship. It is facts that whenever you tell a lie to your partner you lie to yourself as well. In fact you will feel the brunt of that lie more, because within your heart you know you have done something wrong, but then your spouse would believe it was the truth you told and would go about his normal life not carrying any weight in his heart. But you will have the weight of guilt hanging on you that is for those who have conscience.

I believe that the reason for distrust in a relationship is rooted in somebody not been committed truthfully. And once there is mistrust in any affair that relationship is standing on shaky legs. So you see nakedness pays. And remember this; the beauty of any human being does not lay in what they wear but the body behind what they wear. God knew this, which was why he created the first man and woman naked. They were open to each other and as long as they were that way there was nothing like shame. If you like you could interpret shame as conflict because shame is a negative word. In conclusion if you must enjoy the juice of any relationship nakedness is a must.

Please Love Yourself

Love is one four letter word that has brought happiness into the life of so many people as well as pain. You are created for love; to love be loved. However, for you to be a good lover of another you must first and foremost learn to love yourself. It would be self deception to say you love others when you don't love yourself.

There is just no one that is not loveable irrespective of your stature or beauty. It takes accepting who you are to get others to accept you. Many times I have seen people who don't like the way they were created by God. "If only I was fair in complexion," you hear someone say and so if they sit by a fair complexion person, they feel intimidated. They think the light complexion gets all the attention and loveg.
(this happens mostly among women). Its sad that some people think that way, but then its not true that dark skinned people get less attention and are loved less.

Friends, no matter who you are; tall, short, fat, slim, dark or light, love yourself if you want others to love you. You can't attract love until it is found in you. You cannot be busy putting yourself down and expect someone to come raise you up. You must first put in effort to raise yourself. Look yourself up in the mirror and feel good and be happy with the person staring back at you from the mirror.

It is said to love your neigbhour as yourself. So to love others you must love yourself first.

Fred Egba